


Perfect Bent

by axolotlsGambit



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Discussion of Death, F/M, postgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1575347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlsGambit/pseuds/axolotlsGambit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat and Vriska realize that no, it's not just them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfect Bent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [galacticAcolyte (coffee_goth)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_goth/gifts).



AG: Vantas!!!!!!!! Long time no see.  
AG: I'm sure you've 8een keeping yourself 8usy.  
CG: YES. UNLIKE YOU.  
AG: Hey, it's not my fault you don't know how to kick 8ack and relax once you've cre8ed the most perfect universe!  
CG: IT IS FAR FROM THE MOST PERFECT UNIVERSE, NOT LEAST BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON IT IS REQUIRED TO CONTAIN YOU.  
AG: Hey, I'm sure there are other people you're more upset got 8rought 8ack to life.  
CG: NAME ONE.  
AG: How a8out that sweaty mess of a 8lue8lood who’s always ordering you to order him around? Is he still doing that?  
CG: DESPITE HOW UNFATHOMABLY FAR HIS HORNS ARE LODGED UP HIS OWN WASTE CHUTE, HE HAS CERTAIN VIRTUES THAT CERTAIN OTHER TROLLS IN THIS CONVERSATION LACK.  
CG: LIKE HOW HE NEVER KILLED ANYONE. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?  
AG: You're just jealous you never got the chance :::;D  
CG: SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU'RE WORSE THAN EQUIUS.  
CG: HE WOULDN'T SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. EVEN ERIDAN, A TROLL CONSTITUTED ENTIRELY OF TERRIBLE AND SMARM, HAS ENOUGH SHAME NOT TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  
CG: I KNOW YOU SAW WHERE OUR FLIRTATIONS WITH CULLING DRONE ROLEPLAY GOT US, BECAUSE THEY GOT YOU BLEEDING OUT ON A METEOR HURTLING INTO NOWHERE WHILE THE REST OF US FLED A MONSTER YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY FUCKING USEFUL FIGHTING.  
CG: THANKS FOR THAT, BY THE WAY.  
AG: You're welcome!  
CG: HA HA, VERY FUNNY.  
AG: What else do you want me to say, huh? I'm so soooooooorry? Do you want me to grovel on all 8s and 8eg for forgiveness?  
CG: IT WOULD BE A START.  
AG: Well, it's not happening.  
CG: YES, I KNOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE A NOOKWHIFFING SHIT-FOR-BRAINS FULLER OF YOURSELF THAN YOU ARE OF LUCK.  
CG: WHICH IS A LOT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE 'ALLLLLLLL OF IT' OR SOME SUCH BULGE-CHAFING NONSENSE.  
AG: I do have allllllll of the luck, thank you for the reminder!  
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME.  
AG: Ha ha, very funny!  
AG: You're a riot.  
AG: A riot that gets quickly and ruthlessly quelled, scattering its few survivors into 8oring wriggler lives on a stupid wriggler planet for trolls who aren't 8adass enough to actually fight the system.  
CG: OH, SHOVE IT UP YOUR WASTE CHUTE. YOU KNOW I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY ANCESTOR, HE WAS EVEN MORE USELESS THAN ME.  
CG: AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING, CONSIDERING HOW I SHOVED VICTORY INTO THE JAWS OF DEFEAT AND TRIED TO HOLD THEM CLOSED, UNABLE TO DO SO ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FEEBLENESS OF MY ARMS AND SPIRIT.  
AG: Aren't you supposed to 8e insulting me, and I'm supposed to insult you?  
AG: For all the awful romcoms you watch, you're terri8le at h8flirting.  
CG: OH MY MISERABLE VISION ORBS.  
CG: DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU?  
CG: ARE YOUR SHAME GLOBES MALFUNCTIONING? IS THIS THE RESULT OF A SUDDEN UNBLOCKAGE OF YOUR COMPLETE IDIOCY DUCTS? SOME DESPERATE AWARENESS CYST FINALLY POPPED AND WASHED AWAY IN A TRIUMPHANT EFFLUENCE OF STUPID?  
AG: You're terri8le at anatomy, too.  
CG: FORGIVE ME FOR NOT HAVING BLUEBLOOD SCHOOLFEEDING ON EXACTLY WHAT YOU CALL THE VARIOUS ABOMINATIONS THAT ROT IN YOUR TERRIBLE THINK PAN.  
AG: That's the spirit! You'll earn another rejection certific8 to hang on your hivewall of self-loathing in no time at this r8.  
CG: ...  
AG: Wait, do you actually have a wall dedic8ed to self-loathing?  
AG: That's kind of pitiful, Karkat.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  
AG: Okay, may8e that wasn't the 8est word choice.  


 

CG: I'M SURPRISED.  
CG: AFTER OUR LAST CONVERSATION I FIGURED I WOULD NEVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN BECAUSE WE BOTH WOULD HAVE DELETED OUR OWN MISERABLE EXISTENCES RATHER THAN OWN UP TO THAT FESTERING WORDPILE.  
CG: INSTEAD, YOU ACTUALLY STEPPED UP AND BUILT SOME THINGS.  
CG: GRANTED, THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH A SUCCESSFUL TROLL SOCIETY, OR EVEN A SUCCESSFUL HUMAN SOCIETY, OR EVEN SUCCESSFUL PRODUCTION OF RESOURCES THAT ARE NECESSARY FOR THE COMFORT OF EITHER SPECIES.  
CG: INSTEAD YOU SAW FIT TO MAKE... BLUE SCORPIONS.  
CG: NOT FIT TO LUSUS, TERRIBLE PETS, VENOMOUS AND SKITTISH AND PRONE TO STAB FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER. WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, I GUESS, SPIDERBITCH?  
CG: BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT WE DID NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP DOWN THE PINK HUMMINGBIRD POPULATION. THOSE THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE. I THINK THERE'S ONE LIVING IN MY HAIR.  
CG: SO GRUDGINGLY: THANK YOU.  
CG: YOU HEARTLESS SCUM.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

 

CG: OKAY, RETRACT ANY THANKS OR APPRECIATION I HAVE EVER GIVEN YOU.  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE CRABS RED.  
CG: THAT'S NOT FUNNY.  
AG: Vantas, cra8s are red. Ask any of the humans. They just ........ are! Like how scorpions are 8lue, or how I'm amazing.  
CG: HA HA HA.  
CG: SCORPIONS ARE BLUE BECAUSE HEY MATCH YOUR BLOOD COLOR AND YOUR OVERALL TERRIBLENESS.  
CG: CRABS SHOULD BE WHITE, LIKE MY DEAR DEPARTED LUSUS, OR MAYBE, MAYBE, GRAY LIKE MY TEXT COLOR, BECAUSE THE CODING OF THIS NEW UNIVERSE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME OF MY MUTATION EVERY TIME I WALK DOWN TO THE BEACH.  
CG: OR OUT ONTO MY LAWNRING, WHICH IS NOW MORE FULL OF CRABS THAN A FIDUSPAWN DUNGEON OR YOUR BLISTERED, WORLDWEARY NOOK. I ASSUME I HAVE YOU TO BLAME FOR THAT.  
AG: You really need to get over the 8lood color thing! You're not a mutant anymore, you have the most common 8lood color anywhere!  
AG: Though your having it means there aren't a perfect 8. Which is terri8le. Like you.  
CG: YES YES I KNOW  
CG: WE'RE ALL EQUALS NOW, THERE'S NO MORE HEMOSPECTRUM, HOORAY.  
CG: SOMEONE REMOVE MY BILE DUCTS WITH A PARING KNIFE.  
CG: THAT MEANS YOU! IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE ROOM FOR IRONS IN THAT FIRE.  
CG: I KNOW IT'S AWFULLY FULL WHAT WITH THE CREATING SCUTTLING THINGS THAT STAB AND CUT YOU, AND REMINDING ME OF MY LOOMING MORTALITY.  
AG: Mortality?  
AG: I thought you went God Tier with the rest of us.  
AG: If you didn't, I could fix that! Paring knife or otherwise, I can make the time.  
CG: YOU'RE SO OBLIVIOUS THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME ANGRY IF I WEREN'T ALREADY ANGRY. BUT INSTEAD I'VE FOUND A SPACE BEYOND ANGER WHERE ALL I AM EXPERIENCING IS THE BURNING SENSATION KNOWN AS ATTEMPTING TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH VRISKA SERKET.  
CG: WOW KARKAT, THAT SORT OF BURNING ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU! YOU SHOULD REALLY GET THAT CHECKED.  
CG: THANKS, KARKAT, I'LL REPORT TO A HUMAN MEDITORTURER WHO IS PROBABLY NO LONGER A HORRIBLE MURDER ROBOT ON THE DOUBLE!  
CG: OLD AGE IS A JUST WAY TO DIE, YOU PRIVILEGED FUCKASS, AND I HAVE THE SHORTEST LIFESPAN OF ANYONE WHO ISN'T A TIME PLAYER.  
AG: Really? ::::(  
CG: YES, REALLY.  
CG: I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.  
CG: BUT IT MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO I GET TO THINK ABOUT IT, BUT I GET REMINDED OF IT BY YOU, WHO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE COMMON SENSE OR THE SHREDS OF KINDNESS TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.  
AG: I do feel 8ad a8out it, though.  
CG: THAT'S ALMOST WORSE.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  
AG: Siiiiiiiigh.  


AG: Didn't the Condesce, forever reviled 8e her name even though she was kind of an amazing 8adass, live 8asically forever though? Like significantly past her already ridiculous lifespan?  
AG: I sort of assumed we could do the same thing if we are literally writing the universe.  
AG: Can we not?  
AG: I wasn't planning on dying! I have too many things to do.  
AG: ........  
AG: Dammit, Karkat, I know you're there.  
CG: KARKAT IS NOT HERE.  
CG: THIS ACCOUNT NOW BELONGS TO THE LATER STAGES OF DECAY OF AN ENTITY FORMERLY KNOWN AS 'KARKAT'S ENDLESS SHAMEFUL DESPAIR.'  
CG: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE INVECTIVE AND BEEP.  
CG: FUCK YOU, SERKET. BEEP.  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh.  
AG: You're really sure, though? Like you've talked to the seers and all of that awful 8ullshit I've 8een avoiding?  
CG: LOOK, I JUST KNOW.  
AG: So you haven't!  
AG: Could you may8e, possi8ly, just in case, confirm your hop8east-8rained theory 8efore you resign yourself to your f8?  
CG: ARE YOU.  
CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO BE NICE TO ME?  
CG: BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.  
AG: Yeah, well, here's a Serket secret: We're not actually the 8est at everything.  
AG: Don't tell anyone.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CG: I THINK I WON'T.  
CG: WHAT EVEN IS MY HOPELESS HUSK OF A LIFE.  


CG: I'M NOT SURE IF YOU THINK YOU DID A NICE THING OR A CRUEL THING, AND I'M FRANKLY NOT SURE WHICH WOULD BE MORE TERRIFYING.  
CG: EITHER WAY, THOUGH, WE NEED TO TALK.  
CG: BECAUSE BLUE CRABS ARE JUST STRANGE.  
AG: Apparently they are a thing that happens sometimes too!!!!!!!! It's like you never talk to any of the humans a8out what colors different animals were on their strange colored-animal planet.  
CG: THERE WERE COLORED BEASTS OF VARIOUS SORTS ON ALTERNIA!  
AG: Name one.  
CG: THE CHROMANTICORE!  
AG: That's a stupid wriggler story, for stupid wrigglers.  
CG: SO YOU LIKED IT TOO.  
AG: Yes!!!!!!!! The Chromanticore would totally have 8een the most 8adass lusus if it were real. It could fuck shit up, it could disguise itself as practically anything, and it didn't require a 8ody count. Who wouldn't w8nt one?  
CG: I LIKED MY LUSUS. DUMBER THAN A SACK OF DEAD BRICKS, MAYBE, BUT.  
CG: NICE, YOU KNOW?  
AG: I don't, really.  
AG: Nice is the last word I'd used to descri8e my lusus!  
CG: YEAH YOU KIND OF DREW THE TERRIBLE STRAW ON THAT ONE.  
CG: ...  
CG: THAT WAS AWKWARD, HUH.  
AG: Yes!  
AG: Yes, it was.  
AG: Let's talk a8out something else.  
CG: SURE.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE MOON SITUATION?  
CG: YOU PROBABLY THINK WE SHOULD HAVE EIGHT MOONS, DON'T YOU.  
AG: Well, I didn't until you suggested it!!!!!!!!  
AG: I was kind of fond of two, to 8e honest.  
AG: 8ut now that I've realized 8 is an option, that does seem like a perfect num8er of moons.  
AG: I assume the humans all want one?  
CG: NO, THEY MOSTLY DON'T CARE. JADE KEEPS STEALING THEM, THOUGH.  
CG: SHE SAYS SHE'LL BRING THEM BACK, BUT I THINK SHE'S BURYING THEM IN A DISTANT STAR CLUSTER SOMEWHERE.  
CG: FIRST GUARDIANS ARE BIZARRE, AND EVEN MORE BIZARRE WHEN THEY'RE ALSO STUPID ALIEN GIRL DOGS WHO THINK HATE IS FOR LAUGHING AT.  
CG: FORGET I SAID THAT.  
AG: Said what?  
CG: WAIT, WERE YOU JUST NICE TO ME?  
AG: Someone's gotta do it?  
CG: OH FUCK YOU.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  
AG: Wait, wh8t????????  


AG: Okay, so now that we've 8oth had some time to cool off.  
AG: And I've washed all of the sopor out of my hair, it's misera8le every time.  
AG: What the fuck was that all a8out?  
CG: OKAY, LOOK.  
CG: I UNDERSTAND THIS IS HARD BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WRECK.  
CG: IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE! GO RED BLUE TEAM, WE'RE THE MASTERS OF THIS PARTICULAR DISASTER.  
CG: BUT 'SOMEONE'S GOTTA DO IT?'  
CG: NO. I DON'T WANT YOUR GENERIC PITY.  
AG: Fine. Sorry. I misread. 8e 8ack never.  
AG: May8e work with whoever you actually like on your mixed fucking signals.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEANT?  
AG: That you don't want my pity!!!!!!!!  
AG: Jegus fuck, are you really going to make me spell out you rejecting me????????  
AG: You're a sick fuck, Vantas, I'll give you that.  
AG: I didn't think you had it in you to gloat.  
AG: Shows you what I get. Stupid spider8itch.  
CG: OH MY GOG SHUT UP.  
CG: JUST, STOP TYPING.  
CG: HOLD YOUR HORRIBLE HANDS OFF THE KEYBOARD AND READ WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU.  
CG: I SAID I DID NOT WANT YOUR GENERIC PITY.  
CG: NOT THAT I DID NOT WANT YOUR PITY AT ALL. READ BETWEEN THE LINES, SERKET.  
CG: HAVING YOU BE NICE TO ME IS, WELL.  
CG: NICE.  
CG: BUT IF YOU'RE JUST STRINGING ME ALONG BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M A HOPELESS CASE SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE ON, THEN YOU CAN CHOKE ON AN ENDLESS STRAND OF FUCK YOUS EXTRUDED FROM ENDLESS SHOUTING MOUTHS I WILL CARVE INTO THE VAST EXPANSE OF THIS NEW UNIVERSE.  
CG: BECAUSE I WILL NOT TAKE THAT SHIT FROM YOU  
CG: OR FROM ANYONE  
CG: I AM, IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS, TOO GOOD FOR THAT.  
CG: ...  
CG: YOU CAN MOVE YOUR HANDS NOW.  
CG: ...VRISKA?  
AG: Yeah?  
CG: MAYBE WE'RE BOTH TOO DAMAGED FOR THIS TO EVER BE A THING.  
AG: ........  
AG: I asked some questions a8out the aging thing.  
AG: You're half right.  
AG: There's a lot we can do to mitig8 it, which is pretty gr8. 8ut yes, we still age at some r8, and eventually we'll start noticing.  
AG: And you're right, old age counts as just, 8ecause it's always 8een a rigged game that sucks and I h8 it.  
AG: So you will go first, pro8a8ly. Rose wouldn't tell me, and Terezi, well.  
CG: YOU TALKED TO TEREZI ABOUT THIS? I'M IMPRESSED.  
AG: Shut up!!!!!!!!  
CG: I JUST. WOW.  
AG: I said shut up. Shut all of the up.  
CG: OKAY.  
AG: ........  
AG: You really shut up.  
AG: This is scary. I can't do this.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.  
CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT THIS IS OR IF WE ARE GOING TO DO IT.  
CG: BUT DUMPING THAT ON ME AND THEN RUNNING AWAY?  
CG: THAT'S SHITTY.  
CG: I HADN'T ASKED FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO DEAL WITH KNOWING THE ANSWER.  
CG: AND JUST ENOUGH OF A COWARD TO BE SECRETLY RELIEVED I WON'T HAVE TO WATCH ALL MY FRIENDS DIE.  
CG: MOTHERFUCKING.  
CG: AGAIN.  
CG: SO NOW HERE I AM, HAVING THAT INFORMATION AND HAVING TO PROCESS IT WITH THE MEAGER RESERVES I HAVEN'T SPENT ON BEING TERRIBLE  
CG: WHILE AT THE SAME TIME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT WE EVEN JUST CONFESSED TO EACH OTHER AND WHETHER IT'S SOMETHING WE ARE REMOTELY IN A POSITION TO HANDLE.  
CG: AND FRANKLY, I COULD USE YOUR HELP.  
CG: SO IF YOU ARE OUT THERE AND IN ANY POSITION TO HELP WITH THAT, THEN: ARE YOU THERE, VRISKA? IT'S ME, FUCKASS.  
AG: Yeah, I'm here.  
CG: AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?  
AG: Nope!  
CG: ...  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: THANKS FOR RESPONDING, I GUESS.  
CG: I HOPE YOU'RE DOING BETTER WITH THIS THAN I AM.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

 

AG: Okay, Vantas, let's take one iron out of the fire at a time here.  
AG: I don't want to think a8out 8eing dead again. I h8ed it last time, and I dou8t it gets 8etter with experience.  
AG: So can we just ignore that 8it for now and may8e ever?  
CG: FOR NOW.  
AG: Good enough for me. In fact, gr8. I guess I can't hide from it forever.  
AG: 8ut I can hide from it right now, and I suggest we 8oth do so.  
CG: DEAL! I LOVE HIDING.  
CG: IT'S MY CORE COMPETENCY, RIGHT BEHIND SHITTING MYSELF IN TERROR.  
CG: SO WHAT IRON ARE WE GOING TO PULL RED-HOT FROM THE FIRE AND COOL IN THE BREEZE OF OUR ANGUISH TODAY?  
AG: I'm flushed for you.  
CG: ...  
CG: OH. THAT IRON.  
CG: THAT ONE ISN'T BENT ALREADY? I THOUGHT YOU H8D BENT IRONS MORE THAN ANYTHING.  
AG: Yeah, well, you're perfect 8ent. <3  
CG: I'M PERFECT BENT?  
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
AG: F8ck y8u.  
CG: NO, WAIT.  
CG: I THOUGHT A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT YOU.  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TERRIBLE, WHICH YOU ARE.  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE A DANGER TO OUR TEAM, OUR UNIVERSE, AND EVERY OTHER UNIVERSE UNDER THE GREEN FUCKING SUN.  
CG: BUT HAD I KNOWN  
CG: HAD I SOMEHOW HAD THE NECESSARY INFORMATION TO BE AWARE  
CG: THAT YOU WERE A FUCKING ROMANTIC  
CG: THEN WE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN HERE SOONER. <3  



End file.
